the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
