dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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