Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
