I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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