If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
