we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
