I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
