Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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