Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
