My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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