He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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