Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
