hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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