My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I can't put those talents on a resume
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal