end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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