im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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