I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
