I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
