we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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