New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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