Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
whose ass print is on the piano?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
