I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
