is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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