I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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