so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
