i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize