Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
