"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
