I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
