I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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