break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
