margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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