I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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