____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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