I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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