yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
