you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
