he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
