i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
