sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
