the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
All I want is dick and wine.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
