Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
