If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Fuck appropriateness.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
whose ass print is on the piano?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Randomize
