I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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