she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
