today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
