I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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