thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
