dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
