you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
