mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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