College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
