If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
