if i died would you start the facebook group?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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