you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
