I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
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I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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