You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
